Hi, I’m Sarah and I live in Washington State. This is the story of my life. From the day of my birth to who I am today.
I was born at near the end of July in ‘92. I was a miracle baby. The first born after 3 miscarriages and with my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck. This was the start to my life.
My mother immediately started to develop postpartum depression and didn’t want anything to do with me. This left my father to raise me while working as a network analyst for a local hospital. Ever since then, my dad and I have had a stronger bond than I’ve had with my mother.
A little more than a year after I was born, I became almost completely deaf. It had been caused from having many ear infections at such a young age. Until most of my hearing came back (around 65 to 70% of it) I could only grunt. I learned some basic ASL (American Sign Language) to communicate to some degree.This was at around age 4. I went into special ed to learn speech.
Once I was old enough to attend kindergarten, age 5, it was plainly obvious to both teachers and students that I was different. The teacher herself treated me like an outcast and the student’s followed suit. Well, most of them. A few students, the other outcasts, had become my friends. This set up how I would be treated for the rest of my school days. I finally graduated special ed at the beginning of 1st grade. With flying colors. I tended to talk fast, because my speech teacher had talked that way. But otherwise I was communicating and catching up. Through kindergarten to 2nd grade, the teachers at that elementary school told my parents that I would never amount to anything. They recommended I should be held back a couple of years. My father felt holding me back would only hinder my progress. The teachers told them that I would always be average. Nothing special. Expecting good grades would be nothing short of a miracle. So at age 7, I was going against the odds. At the time I didn’t understand what was going on, but I kept on chugging.
I was never popular. Ever. I was just…too different. Even then I realize looking back, I would never have fit in with them then, or in the future. I always just did my own thing. Playing unicorns in the school yard, reindeer during the winter and playing jewel riders or pretend rocks were eggs. Usual kid stuff. But I was bullied. Nothing physical, just words. Being shunned and what not. Switched schools in 3rd grade when the bullying became too much and the teacher’s had no faith in my abilities. Once I went to the other elementary school things improved slightly. I made new friends and the teachers were nice to me. They praised my intelligence and I kept up in school. Everyone knew who I was since my mother volunteered at the school a lot. My grandpa would come in to teach my class leather crafts or survival skills. Still not popular, but I made good friends. During recess I started to help out in the library, or in the kitchen after lunch. My mom helped out in the library so I would go there just so I could be around her and the librarian. Even at a young age, I always like being around adults. They were understanding and had cool things to talk about. The only thing in elementary school was I was constantly in the counselors office. Some students would be rude to me and I would defend myself not in violence, but verbally. I had grown a thick skin. But otherwise, after 3rd grade, I look positively back at elementary school.
Once I went to middle school, I was confronted with the bullies from my old elementary school (pre-3rd grade). They all had subsequently become the popular “clique”. 6th grade passed by pretty quickly. I had gotten my first boyfriend, and dumped him a month later haha. Joined choir, stalked a jock I had a crush on, joined a professional choir outside of school, and became a “woman”. 7th grade came around soon enough, that is when everything got better. I was transferred into the advanced class and made friend’s with a really great group of people. They were the nice girls of my school. I really felt like I was apart of something. I joined the tennis team, starred in the school play and started doing art classes.
Then the next year came around and my new group of friends had been put into my class in 8th grade as well. In the beginning of that year I felt like I was on top of the world. Still doing tennis, became manager of the boy’s baseball team, heavily involved in art class and choir still.
My entire 7th-8th grade group of friends
Soon before I knew it, my world came crashing down. Right before I left for Japan as a 2 week exchange student in Okinawa, my mother announced something that apparently I had been unaware of. She was having an affair with my sister’s basketball coach. For many months now. When I left for my trip I was slightly depressed. I came back 110 lbs. I was 115 lbs originally. 5 lbs doesn’t seem like a lot, but on my height and frame, I looked a bit gaunt. My choir dress for my professional choir hung on my body. Pictures of this short window show hollow cheekbones and a sharp jaw.
Me in 8th grade
That year, my life as I knew it, was ruined. On one hand, I always knew my parents would divorce since they fought constantly, and on the other hand I didn’t have a strong bond with my mom. I have never, ever, loved my mother. I may say it to her sometimes, but I never truly mean it. It probably has to do with the fact she beat only me as a child, not my sister. She always verbally assaulted me as well. About everything. Anyways, it didn’t really hit me fully and I went about life as normal. It wasn’t until on one cold February night she exploded. She started to hit me like she had when I was a child and throwing heavy objects in my direction.My dad had come home in the middle of all of this and she went to attack him as well. I called 911 and they of course didn’t believe that she had been the attacker. Also, for the record, my father had never known my mother had beat me, or the severity of her verbal abuse. From that day on, any hope of my family reconciling had been wiped away forever.
That April the divorce papers were filed and along with it, my binging started. It all specifically started on the 8th grade trip to Washington D.C. Half my money was spent on food; this was in addition to the stipend we got for meals. I would go down to the gift shops and buy bags of candy or eat copious amounts of food at the buffets. At the food courts, I would down a burger with large fries and soda. It was sickening.
That trip, I gained 10 lbs. That following summer, I gained 10 more. At 5 foot 1, you could see every pound. My self esteem plummeted. I started to wear only dark colors and black. I became depressed. No one knew I was depressed though. I absolutely hated myself. I was the fattest of all my friends. It was embarrassing. I even started to Photoshop practically every single picture out of embarrassment. I would mostly Photoshop my double chin out and maybe smooth down the arms. Most of the photos below are the originals.
During my sophomore year that was when I was hitting the 140’s of my weight and climbing. I would hit 150 around the middle of that year from eating terribly during the breaks in driving school. People looked at me in disgust. I was embarrassed to go to swim class. I wore this black one piece that obviously didn’t fit me well. My mother kept nagging me about my weight. Guy’s wouldn’t look at me twice. I even had one of my best friend’s guy friends tell her how fat and disgusting I was. I hated myself so much. I would rarely eat out in public. I had become a closet eater. At school I would eat like an anorexic girl, but at home eat like I had been released from a POW camp. My weight was affecting me during tennis because I would be winded from running most of the time.
Soon my depression became darker. Still no one knew. I soon tried to commit suicide 3 separate times. I would lie awake at night imagining what I would write on my suicide letter. All I remember everything was dark. I constantly craved a boyfriend to just love and be loved back. I wanted to be thin like everyone else. I was so insecure. I would stay at home and watch movies/tv. I would read romance novels and draw while listening to sad songs.
I can’t pinpoint the exact moment where everything changed. I think I had gotten sick of just being down and out. I joined cross country and started to make more friends. I got happier. Over that summer I started to a boy, texting him all the time. I started to realize that he liked me and I became happy. Most would say “you don’t need a boy to make you happy”. Well I do. Always will. Along with all of this, I left my high school to join a program called Running Start. I would take college classes towards my associates degree in Clinical Engineering (fixing medical equipment).The college was in downtown Tacoma. I also took 1 class to sort of stay at my high school. I decided to take German. The guy I was talking to over the summer? He joined cross country to be with me and he became my first real real boyfriend. I had started cross country and lost about 10 lbs. I was feeling good. College was going great and I made a lot of adult friends.
Then, around a week before valentine’s day ,out of the blue, my boyfriend ignored me for a whole weekend. He texted to meet up with me at a nearby starbucks. He then broke up with me. He had no valid excuses and I knew it was because of my weight. I had gained back 15 lbs. I was around 155 lbs. I was an idiot and relentlessly chased him after that day. I became depressed again for awhile. On top of all of this, he had spread rumors around. Untrue ones at that. Everyone thought I was a whore and slut when I was still innocent. I only came to my high school for that one class. Once it was over, I ran straight to the parking lot and left for home.
Senior year was strange for me. Because of running start, I was rarely seen. I had matured from being around adults at my college and I was “over” the entire high school scene. I realized that everyone else’s opinions didn’t matter. I wanted to graduate and never see any of them ever again. Because of me debasing myself by chasing my ex and just looking depressed, I decided to change everything. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, I was reborn.
Around winter of that year I decided, in defiance, to cut off all my hair. I wanted something pixie and spiked. I realize now that it did NOT flatter my face. But I digress. My style of dress became more sophisticated. I wore mainly dresses, dark colors, boots, and mainly women’s clothes. Not teen clothes anymore. I definitely stood out. I looked like I belonged in a fortune 500 company instead of a high school. I was at the point where I didn’t care anymore. My weight evened out to about 155 lbs to 160 lbs. During this time I found myself. I figured out who I am and everything that comes with it. I found my talent and passion for photography, my love for classic pre-1970’s movies (golden age hollywood), non-fiction works, platypuses, makeup/fashion, antiques and other out-of-the-norm hobbies. I discovered who I was and what I was always meant to be. I grew up.
Once I graduated the world had become my oyster. I was still finishing my associates degree. I started to grow my hair out again. I also had become around 160 lbs at this point. At the beginning of march ‘11 I graduated from my technical college and began to intern at a nearby catholic hospital. I thought from working so hard and running around the hospital all day that I may lose weight. I was wrong. The heavily salted and processed food at the hospital was my demise.
I soon ballooned up to 171 lbs before I even knew it. I Didn’t notice much a difference until I tried to put on a pair of pants I had worn senior year. They wouldn’t even go up my legs. Shirts I had from junior year ripped like the hulk whenever I would put them on. I knew that ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH.
Through better diet I lost 10 lbs. I started to drink more water, eat mainly salads and small portions. I also exercised a bit.Then in the summer I found my 2nd boyfriend. We had met on an online dating site. I was head over heels in love. I hadn’t commited to anyone since my last boyfriend junior year. I was excited to finally be in a relationship again. I lost track of my goals and I started to fluctuate between 160 to 167 lbs. Then about 2 months later he left me after I had found he was cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend the entire relationship. I went into a temporary depression and stopped eating altogether for 2 weeks. I dropped to 148 lbs at the drop of a hat. Everyone around me noticed. I was a wreck. You could see the weight loss dramatically. I could fit into size 7 pants while before I was wearing size 10-11.
At this point I was determined to get my life back together. I moved on pretty quickly from my last relationship and I was ready to start a new one. Soon I had met Dan in August of ‘11 and my life finally took a positive turn for the first time in a long long time. He made me feel beautiful for the first time. He was the first guy to ever treat me right. He has, and still is, so very devoted. I honestly don’t know how I got so lucky. I honestly think god led me to him. He is perfect for me in every way. He didn’t fit the mold in my mind, but he shattered it. After being with him, I can’t possibly imagine myself with anyone else for the rest of my life. He is the only one for me. Every since then I’ve been fluctuating from 150 to 153 lbs.
Now I’m at the point where I want to be in the best shape of my life. I want to feel confident when I walk into a room. I want to wear skinny jeans with a flowy top. I want to wear bright colors and strut my stuff in shortie shorts. I want to be able to not feel embarrassed while being on top during sex. I want to not feel self concious eating in public or not being able to buy boots because my calves are too big. I want to climb mountains, kayak for miles, run 6 miles whenever I damn well please and have a more juicier booty (it’s already pretty big and bubbly haha). Most important of all, I want to be healthy and lean. Be that petite body shape that photographs well, that will never make me use the warp tool on corel photo x3 (similar to photoshop) and to feel confident in anything I wear.
So this blog is my journey to being the best shape of my life. To become healthy, fit, and confident!! I will only post mainly workouts, informational tid bits I find, some beautiful photos that make me happy, texts posts about my progress, and every once in awhile a picture of a body shape I CRAVE. Also some pictures of delicious food!! Yum yum :) Healthy kind of course!!
Me and my badonkadonk.