Some thoughts on marriage after watching the latest episode of The Office

I finally watched yesterday’s episode of The Office. It really made me think of some things. Come on a journey with me as I analyze what true marriage should be.

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My dad just called and tried to start another argument…AGAIN.

And he tried to pit my against my mother and get me involved in their problems. JUST LEAVE ME OUT OF IT. 

Just because were family, doesn’t mean I need to make every problem of yours my problem. I have my own shit to figure out. 

Man I was about to go to sleep and then my mind just spirals off into embarrassing memories. And then spirals into “if I could go back in time, I would do this exact thing” and then I would fucking imagine the entire scene and what I would say word for word. 

I really need to let go of all my past….. indiscretions. 

One of them being where I was hypnotized at the senior party and I ended up making out with a wall, coddling my shoe as if it were my child, and screaming about how I’m afraid of becoming my mother. My entire senior class was there.

So I found out I start my internship on Monday :) 

Maybe then I’ll actually have some funny stories to tell. 

I don’t think anyone wants to hear how I wake up at 10 am everyday, open my laptop, read fan fiction, watch movies, watch Supernatural, eat cereal, getting massive headaches from forgetting to drink water, cleaning the house, taking care of the dogs, and taking double dosage of sleeping pills just to be able to fall asleep. 

Not exciting. At all. 

But next week I’ll be moving around, eating healthy (since at this particular hospital, they only serve healthy food. Nothing fried. AT ALL :D) being forced to have a normal sleeping schedule, talking with people, and not being bored out of my skull everyday.

I really wish I could just leave the house and get away from my dad. 

He just always fucking uses the victim card and uses whatever little faults you have and makes it a huge thing. Like yesterday, my dad was going on about how I make him cry (not true, he just can’t take any criticism whatsoever) and how I don’t care when he does. 

Newsflash, I’ve never had empathy for anyone who cries. I just never feel anything when someone near me cries. My instinct is to run away and hide till it’s over. I told him “I’m sorry, but I never feel empathy when anyone cries” and his response? “Yeah, like I don’t feel any empathy for someone who isn’t productive”. 

I can see now why my mom wanted to leave and my sister. 

I don’t even know why he is complaining. I’ve been paying the grocery bills lately, spent $500 dollars on all the vet bills for Samson, been paying for my gas, watching the dogs/taking care of them 24/7, and I buy the dog’s food. 

I’m just a 10000% done with him and his attitude. It’s hard to feel sorry for someone who continuously  says they are going to “be at home more, not try to fight or be rude when communicating, try to get out and do family activities, and etc” but never fucking follows through. 

So at that point, you have revoked all right to be judgmental of anyone else until you have fixed your own god damn self.

I’m going to answer this only for the fact that I was in your position 3 years ago. 

Seriously, you just have to put yourself out there and try new shit. It seems hard at first, but it’s like waking up from Amnesia and figuring out what ice cream flavor you like. You have to try them all to know. 

If you would have told me 5 years ago that I’m awesome at knitting, cross stitching, can photograph like a professional, sing, know everything about the victorian, civil war, and regency era, figured out I’m bisexual, have watched at least 300+ movies from the 1930’s to 1960’s, love oldies french music, love kayaking, running, and walking in the summer night with friends, I would have slapped you for being crazy. 

But I went and tried EVERYTHING. I was sick of not being able to tell people what I like/could do. I tried a ton of shit I completely fucking hated. But you know what? After dredging through the crap, I found the things I love with every bit of my soul. It got me through my depression actually. Gave me a reason to live and not try to kill myself. 

All I can say is, you are right. Only you can change it. But find that light, the light given to all us from our creator, and let it shine. Find out it’s facets and details. Let it shine like a lighthouse in a storm, and once you do, then you will find yourself to happier shores. I promise.

An update on what happened, in case anyone would want to know

So basically I’m sitting here reading fanfiction at 3:30 am in the morning. Still seething and trying to calm my emotions down, but in my head having a debate. A debate on whether or not if things don’t get better in a few months, if I should break up with him or what to do. And I put this all down on my blog.

Then Dan calls. At 3:30 AM-ish. Sounding freaked out.

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Really worried about my dog Samson. One touch to his fur, and you just feel bones poking out. 

He is eating regularly. I have no idea what is wrong. Going to take him to the vet at 12 pm to see what is going on. I’ve never felt him this bony. He usually has a healthy mixture of fat/muscle. 

I’ve been watching him thinking he would get better, but it hasn’t. I really hope it’s nothing severe. I’m not even telling my dad I’m taking him to the vet. He would just say “well we just need to feed him more”. I’ve been trying to get him to eat more, but he wont. Plus I cannot baby him 24/7 considering I’m starting a new internship next week.

Ugh. 

Have a 15% off coupon for 1 item at Barnes and Noble. Going to buy the autobiography of Jimmy Stewart. Been dying to own it for awhile. 

This excites me way more than it should. What am i doing with my life.

I have a question:

Dan and I keep debating something. If he comes over to my house, as my guest, should he feel obligated to help me around the house? Him being a guest and everything.

Example: Helping me clean the house if it’s messy during a weekend where he is over Friday evening to Sunday Evening.

He thinks he shouldn’t have to clean up something that isn’t his own mess and on principle, doesn’t want to feed into it. If he is over, I feel weird cleaning so I’d rather he help me and have us make a project of it, rather than letting the house decay during his visits. 

If I were a guest in someone’s home, I would help clean up. Since they are graciously having me in their home. Like if I see the laundry basket overflowing, I will go put it in the washer. If I see dishes or trash out, I will clean it up. I feel like it’s the decent thing to do since that is how I was raised. 

So based on your opinion (there is no wrong answer) should a guest help out around the house if they are spending multiple nights?

Long personal post, but it’s overdue

Alright, to explain my absence the past few days. 

I just realized two days ago that my depression is starting to come back. I didn’t realize the very early signs, yet I caught it early enough to do something about it. 

I’ve been sleeping in everyday, rarely going in to my internship, not exercising, eating my feelings, only having short bursts of confidence, and being lethargic. 

Basically how I used to be.

What tipped me off to the depression was not any of those signs, it was one single thought that rolled through my mind while driving to the bead store. It was a suicidal thought. A thought I haven’t had in years. Not since the depression. 

I thought I was past it. I guess I wasn’t. I told Dan all of this and he got really scared. He can’t even bear the thought of me not being with him, let alone being dead.

We had a long talk and he told me some hard truths I needed to hear. He gave me ideas to change all of this. I’m not going to medicate myself, I’m going to fix the problems I keep throwing at myself. 

Let me explain. I don’t cut myself physically, I emotionally cut myself. I will toy with thoughts and emotions I know will cause me pain. It’s a habit I’ve had for a very long time. Most people don’t understand but it’s just what I’ve done. My incessant need for perfection is the root of it. I need to fix that since if you crave perfection, you will never be satisfied; you will always be left wanting. I’d rather live my life imperfect and satisfied. 

This is the plan in a list:

1. Wake up before 8 am every single day. No matter what.

2. Exercise for at least 10 minutes. Even if it’s just push ups, sit ups, jumping jacks, and some planks. 

3.Eat easy healthy meals, no matter the taste. Ex.plain oatmeal with frozen berries

4.Spend 30 minutes everyday cleaning up. 

5. Positive thoughts, no over thinking things. 

6. Less time in front of the tv, more time doing things. 

That is the plan to jump start my life back on track and away from the tentacles of depression. I’m just glad I caught it at +5lbs versus +20 lbs. 

Bored out of my mind. Just sitting here watching Dan play his Star Wars online game. 

Lets play a game. 

You tell me a memorable childhood memory, and I’ll tell you one of mine :) I’ve got a TON of great stories. I was a very memorable child haha.

On my dash I’m seeing people send secrets and tough problems with being replied with advice. 

I want to do that. I love helping people, I give great advice, and I will not judge whatever you situation may be. 

So with all that said, if you have a secret, something that is bugging you, a problem, or just need plain advice; message me right now. I’m online, I will reply with the best advice I can think of. It may be long or short depending on the situation. And, I will care 100% which means I might give you some hard truths if it means in the long run you will be better. 

Please, if you need someone to talk to, message me. My anon is open and if you reply off anon and want a private conversation between just us, just tell me so. 

On my dash I’m seeing people send secrets and tough problems with being replied with advice. 

I want to do that. I love helping people, I give great advice, and I will not judge whatever you situation may be. 

So with all that said, if you have a secret, something that is bugging you, a problem, or just need plain advice; message me right now. I’m online, I will reply with the best advice I can think of. It may be long or short depending on the situation. And, I will care 100% which means I might give you some hard truths if it means in the long run you will be better. 

Please, if you need someone to talk to, message me. My anon is open and if you reply off anon and want a private conversation between just us, just tell me so. 

So after talking with my 17 year old sister on the way home, I found out her views are of a moderate conservative.

Just like mine. 

I cannot tell you how proud I am. She actually knew her politics. She talked about her concern for her future. She talked about class systems, economics, and history. 

If you knew my sister like I do, this came as a complete shock.

Also she told me her teacher in school made them write down how republicans were white, why minorities didn’t vote republican, and how amazing Obama is. And how Wednesday was a black holiday.

Isn’t teaching supposed to be bipartisan?