Petite & Lean

Oh, so Dan and I had a really huge fight on Father’s Day.

I said something that I really shouldn’t have said, and should have kept private, to his brother who could possibly say it front of his grandmother. 

I felt bad that during the entire fight I kept trying to turn it around onto him and how I felt and blah blah. I really need to grow up and stop using tactics like that. Trying to turn something that I OBVIOUSLY did wrong into making him feel bad about telling me. 

I need to just fess up, say I’m sorry, and never do it again. Not drag it out. 

So now I’m only going to add things to the conversation with his family that 1. Don’t embarrass Dan 2. Don’t reveal private things (even if it has something to do with the conversation 3. even if I have nothing to add, I won’t try to say something weird just to say something. I’ll stay silent and think about Supernatural or something. 

Gotta grow up one huge mistake at a time.

Went from squating 100 lbs to 115 lbs today!!! My lifting gloves really helped out today.

No guys obviously checked me out (if they did subtly, I didn’t notice) and one of the lifter guys helped me out get the bar back on the rack when I didn’t get one side of it back on.

Upped my leg press weight by 20lbs

and upped my lunge weight by 7 lbs :) 

Only thing is at the end, I basically had to run out and skip my cool down since I felt like throwing up. Came home and basically sat down and talked to Dan until most of the nausea subsided. 

Otherwise, not a bad workout.

Leg day workout in t minus 2 hours. 

Hopefully there won’t be a gang of dudes openly staring at my ass as I do barbell squats again. 

If it happens again, I will go say something. I’ve decided this. 

Ended up not hitting the gym yesterday, so I went today at 12 pm :) 

Ran for about 12 minutes, then rowed for 11:30, and then I did chest, back, and arm strength training. 

And now I have blisters. Going to go to Dick’s sporting goods after I hit the Archery range with Dan to pick up some Harbringer Flex it gloves for women :) 

I just don’t want calluses again if I can help it.

Going to the gym at 8 pm to work arms and back. 

And I’m going to the Archery range tomorrow. And I’m going back to work tomorrow as well. 

I’m going to be in so much pain lol

So yesterday I went to the gym for the first time since last april-may to get back into lifting. 

I went late at night to avoid the crowds and to try to be as alone as possible. There were still quite a few people there. Especially this latino group of guys each with a gold chain around their neck and half grown mustaches. What made  me notice them was they were pretty much LEERING at me the entire time I was lifting. 

I went to the rack that is in front a huge mirror and I watched them all stop whatever they were doing to boldy look at my ass as I went into a deep squat at 100lbs. 

I really honestly don’t care if you sneak glances are so subtle that I don’t particularly notice but if you are LEERING, I’m going to feel grossed out and freaked. It was a small gym and late at night. Even though there were other people around, I still felt a little scared. 

I tried not to focus on them and finished off with leg pressing 120 lbs, box jumping, and finished off with stetching and walking until my heart rate slowed. 

It was an overall good workout (got some running done on the treadmill too) despite being pretty much leered at my entire workout.

Going to hit the gym late at night since I feel embarrassed to go back.

My gym is quite small so when I was there for awhile, I got to know a lot of the regulars. I’m just not ready to start my first day of lifting in front of people who will obviously see I’ve gone from 147 lbs to 160 lbs. And I don’t want to explain what I went through to warrant that weight gain. 

So for now I’m going to eat my clean healthy food, clean the house a bit, and read a bit until about 9 pm. 

Plus I like lifting where there isn’t many people around. I’ll feel like I’m being stared at the entire time and people will come up and ask me constantly if I need a spotter when I’ll be fine. Really brings out the social anxiety lol

So yeah…..the endless tale of being socially scared 75% of the time.

Off to get my gym membership and groceries :DDDDD

YAYAYAYAYAYYAYA

Spent better part of an hour cleaning the bathroom. The bottom of my tub had soap scum EVERYWHERE. It’s all finally gone thank god. 

Even scrubbed the counter :) It had this layer of hairspray on the marble. Almost undectable except the surface was a bit rough. 

Now onto cleaning my room while I wait for my clean eating southwestern 3 bean chicken soup thing and healthified cornbread :) OH YEAHHH

Some idiot sent me a message of “I would advise you to take that post down” concerning a post of a guy who evidently bragged with his friends about cheating on their wives multiple times and about how stupid their spouses were.

On my other blog that has 15 followers max on it. Really not going to make a impact. Saying that the post could not necessarily be true.

On the off chance that is true, this awful man’s wife should deserve to hear about this and make the choice to leave and find someone more faithful and deserving of her. 

I DO NOT tolerate cheating in any form. If I could, I would really wish there was a law put in place that if one of he spouse’s cheats….the victim should be able to leave with no financial penalties and the cheater to carry all debts incured from divorce proceedings. 

It just fucking irritates me when cheaters get away with shit. It doesn’t just affect the partner, but other people as well. 

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HATE PEOPLE WHO UPLOAD OTHER PEOPLE’S WORK JUST FOR FUCKING NOTES. 

Properly credit the source, even if the image has that person’s name or url on it. It’s PROPER TUMBLR ETIQUETTE.

Lately I’ve noticed I’ve been pretty jealous of very specific things. 

Whenever I see someone getting married or just a wedding in general, I get instantly upset. I make mean comments and etc. 

When I hear about the engagement of people I know or the newly engagement, I have nothing nice to say. 

Even young married couples make me annoyed.

It’s like seeing someone who bought that car you desperately have always wanted and driving it around in front of you. A car you’ve been saving up for but don’t quite have enough money to yet purchase. 

Thats how I feel about the things above. 

I’m sitting here fucking ready but I don’t know when that will be. It could be 6 months from now, a year, or even 5. I don’t really know. But I’m constantly on my toes, this proverbial carrot just swinging in front of my face…taunting me. Screaming at me “NOT YET” or “IT PROBABLY WONT HAPPEN” and it just rears up this flaming green monster inside me. 

I prayed to god about it, but I swear it just keeps taunting me. Making me *emotionally cut myself and instantly just…angry. 

Anyone ever feel this way?

*Just for clarification, when I mean emotionally cut, I do not mean cutting my skin with a blade. I negatively bash myself and bully myself to the point where I cause myself emotional harm and pain. It’s a term I coined to explain what I do every once in awhile.

Counting down the days until I get my gym membership back :) 

Can’t wait to get back into lifting. I loved doing barbell squats, leg presses, russian twists with weight plates, dead lifts, shoulder presses, inclined sit ups, and weighted lunges. 

So excited, I cannot even describe it. 

Going running today to get prepared. Going to do jogging/walking for 20 minutes since I know I won’t be able to run for 15 min straight without getting serious shin splints.

I decided im going to sign back up with my gym. Chalean extreme just isnt doing it for me. Plus I miss lifting, box jumping, ellipticals, and etc. It will only be 30 bucks a month most likely and right now they are running a special for $0 enrollment :) 

Here I come booty of steel :)

This weekend Dan and I went to Cabelas and I finally bought my dream item.

I bought a recurve bow. The traditional type of bow since I don’t particularly care for compounds. Idk, I just have always loved the feel of a traditional bow. 

On Wednesday, we are going to go to an archery shop to pick up some arrows and a recurve for Dan. We are going to make it a couple activity :)

I’m really excited to get into it. I’m going to build a mini archery range in my backyard with my Dad and learn to shoot. It will be a great workout for my arms, shoulders, and back as well! 

Just so excited!!!!!